Six Sure-Fire Ways Israel Can Win the Adoration of the World

This has been a rough month for Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu.

First he had to deal with Vice President Joseph (“Cicero”) Biden’s unexpected hissy fit over routine building plans in an uncontested part of Jerusalem.

Then he was summoned before President Barack Obama to receive his orders for punishment and restitution, which involved a building moratorium in neighborhoods even further outside of the settlement freeze and a shoe shine for our revered leader.

Then, naturally, our gracious Diplomat-in-Chief ditched Netanyahu at dinnertime and canceled the traditional joint press conference and photo-op, because Netanyahu smelled of shoe polish and his stomach was making embarrassing noises.

Of course, all this was an unexpected gift to Palestinian president, Mahmoud Abbas, who replaced his triumphant grin with an aggrieved expression, cancelled the latest we’ll-stop-murdering-Israeli-babies-in-return-for-land scam, and sent the stock fire-starters and rock-throwers over to perform for the BBC and CNN.

And so it goes on. Being as this is all getting a teensy bit hard to watch, I thought maybe I could help. Here are my six suggestions that will definitely boost Israel’s popularity on the world stage.

1. Maybe Jerusalem really is legally yours. So what? Do you always have to rub it in everyone’s face?

Everyone knows all the countries in that region sprang from a United Nations marble bag after World War I. The marbles were divided between the Jews and Arabs, but the Arabs wanted all the marbles for themselves, and they’ve been killing Jews and trying to steal their marbles ever since. Yada, yada, yada. We get it.

Just take it down a notch, okay? Who are you to always be yammering about legal rights to those trying to drive you off your land? It’s like how you’re always annoying people by digging up archaeological evidence that proves Israel really is the ancient Jewish homeland. Did you ever stop to think how offensive that is to those who want everyone to think you’re just a bunch of nomadic usurpers?

You should realize that vicious acts of gratuitous construction on acreage that Israel claimed from Jordan during one of their genocidal wars – after Jordan took it from the U.N. during another one of their genocidal wars – is pretty rough. Especially for the Palestinians, who insist that all that somehow means Jerusalem belongs to them.

I’m sure you can see the logic here and would agree that it really is best for everyone if you would please just dispense with all the incessant rabble-rousing.

2. Used tents are cheap on Craigslist, so let’s just eighty-six the real estate developing, shall we?

After the events of the last few weeks, do we really need to go over this again? Let me recap:

First off, you ruined Biden’s visit with your stupid building project, and I’m sure you realize that embarrassing kerfuffle didn’t help you any, either. Especially the spectacle of Netanyahu watching his soup congeal for an hour and a half until His Petulance decided to show up for dinner. And I have it on good authority that after Biden finally arrived, he was on the phone throughout the meal, uttering eloquent and statesmanish things like, “We’re #@%*ing sorry, Mr. Abbas” “Yes, I know you’re #@%*ing angry.” “If I send Bibi over to give you a #@%*ing back rub, will you promise not to tell Mahmoud or Bashar until I can #@%*ing get out of here?”

Then we have Obama, apparently not convinced Netanyahu understood that apartment-building on undisputed Israeli territory is more outrageous than, say, building a monument to the butcher of Jews and Americans, mayhem as a national pastime, and planting bombs on children. So, a few days later, he had Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, call Netanyahu to apprise him of our dear leader’s superior experience and moral clarity in matters such as these.

I don’t give any credence to the rumors that during the 45-minute phone call, Clinton called Netanyahu “my pretty” and threatened to “stuff a mattress” with him, but I do believe that, channeling her alter ego, Lucy Van Pelt, she offered him “five reasons” why he better stop the building project immediately.

3. This isn’t Hollywood, so please dispense with all the good-versus-evil clichés

Didn’t the Iraq war prove that titanic struggles against the forces of darkness are only acceptable within a two-hour time frame? It’s not like we’re the greatest generation here. The real world can get messy, so everyone needs to just along or surrender. If things start to get really bad and you’re sorely tempted to fight back, just pop Star Wars or The Dark Knight into the player, lie down, and close your eyes until it passes.

Besides, you need to be more sensitive. The Palestinians have failed repeatedly to drive you out by blowing your women and children to pieces. You should be able to understand what a blight that is on their collective ego. But instead you rub salt in the wound by constructing fences, roadblocks, and checkpoints to keep the bombers out. And when they rocket your towns and kidnap your citizens, you retaliate. Those insensitive and demeaning actions have earned you the censure of moral arbiters all over the world, including the United Nations, Human Rights Watch, and Tehran.

To be fair, I realize that good fences make good neighbors, and the Palestinians can be a smidge unreasonable at times, but does it always have to be all about you? You’re not the only one with neighbor problems. At this very moment, there is a power-mad wisteria threatening to pull down the fence and take over my backyard. Every day American families are torn apart by alcoholism, infidelity, gambling – not by nervous teenagers in bulky jackets – but torn apart nonetheless. When do you ever hear us whining and inciting an international ruckus?

All I’m saying is what the world needs now is love, sweet love. Give it a try; you just might learn something about yourselves. It takes only a sprinkling of empathy, mixed with a few drops of understanding, and before long Amnesty International might even stop hating you. If you work really hard at it, who knows? Israel could go down in history as the first former country to win a posthumous Nobel Peace Prize.

4. Devise a game plan before any future White House visits

If you don’t want to get stuck shining shoes again, I strongly suggest that you take careful note of what inspires deference from our leader. For instance, next time Netanyahu visits, he might consider smuggling a bomb in his underwear. Or he could show up with a few veiled women in tow. That’s a cinch to earn him a presidential bow, especially if Netanyahu slapped them around a little, or better yet, zapped them with a cattle prod. And if those ideas seem too extreme, he could always present Obama with a book that compares America to the Third Reich or a Mao ornament for the White House Christmas tree. I guarantee that will at least rate a joint press conference.

5. Become Grasshopper to Obama’s Master Po

However, being as Obama’s chasuble is still twisted in a knot over Netanyahu’s naughtiness, there might not be any Oval Office invites in the near future. Nevertheless, a few expressions of penitence, such as releasing Palestinian prisoners and dismantling roadblocks, may redeem some of Obama’s trust and demonstrate your commitment to the peace process.

I realize those measures may appear to threaten your security, but remember that after years of learning at the feet of his “mentor,” Reverend Jeremiah Wright, (not so much lately though, according to Wright, because of “them Jews” in the White House) Obama has achieved enlightenment above that of us mere mortals. You must step out in faith and prove your worthiness by placing yourself in his hands. A full confession regarding the Zionist “ethnic bomb,” – designed to kill only Arabs and blacks – that Wright has warned of, would be an excellent place to start.

Think how the world would applaud good-faith gestures such as evicting more Israeli families from the highlands near Gaza and providing Hamas a convenient crow’s nest from which to aim their rockets. Or, you could pass out pizza coupons and free bus tickets as the terrorists file out of your prisons. Then Obama would be able to see that you truly regret that tragically belligerent act of land-use planning, and, like ripples in a pond, the goodwill will spread outward, maybe even as far as Iran.

(Actually, that’s getting a little carried away. Iranian President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, isn’t going to give up his nuclear dreams or stop sending rockets to Gaza. Barbecuing Jews is one of his few joys in life. Perhaps, though, if you make an extra big effort, he will put in a good word the next time he speaks at an American university. But don’t hold your breath on that one, either. It’s unlikely that A-Jad would wantonly squander the goodwill he has earned within those circles with such a radical move.)

6. If all else fails…

What if you have tried everything, and the rockets keep flying, and the suicide belts keep exploding? Mass geno-suicide may be your last option. Imagine a magnificently-staged Exodus II into the Mediterranean Sea. Wouldn’t that make a great sequel to The Ten Commandments?

Or here’s a better idea. Replace those ill-advised apartments with a different construction project – a symbolic gesture that will smooth ruffled feathers and inspire the cause of peace all over the world: Auschwitz and Buchenwald. Your neighbors would probably even join in and help, like an old-fashioned Amish barn-raising. Just imagine, no more rock throwing, flag burning, murder, and mayhem. Just Israel and her neighbors, joined together in a common goal, and, at long last, friends.

Then there’s sure to be peace forever!